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| No one knows what's around the bend until you make the turn |
The things that you go through as you are growing up are steps that have a lesson as you take each one. Sometimes you may not see them yet, but they do. I say this because I've seen this for myself.
When I was seventeen, life was certainly interesting. My parents were gone, my sister and I lived with my Uncle and his family <3, and I learned about love. Well, not exactly...because I was not really "in-love," I didn't even have a crush on this guy. I was just being my honest self, and saying it as I saw it.
My crush, well, I had a "great crush" and, oh, how seeing him would make me catch my breath. (Funny how thinking of him now still made me catch my breath). As men would say: "The one that got away." - well that was my crush. I remember how I would suffer through schooldays waiting for the next long break when we can travel to our other "family" (my mom's sister's family <3). Then I would always look at the basketball court across the street around four o'clock in the afternoon onwards...waiting for him to come play there. (This still brings a smile to my lips and a twinkle in my eye). hahaha. But we never spoke to each other...never introduced to each other even though he was one of my cousin's best friends. (my cousin's fault! >/) But maybe that was all for the best. It was fun just looking from a distance, trying to look my best when going out of the house, or going to church, or going to the store....just in case he would be there.
Going back to this "other" guy - my "puppy love" guy: well, all of a sudden we were going to a dance together...and that was where it all began...before I knew it, he was my "boyfriend." He was not really living in the same area we were...so it was a "short-distance" relationship. I remember writing him and sending him cards almost every other day...just sweet little notes that a normal teenager who's "in love" does. Being in a relationship with him made me get over the "great crush of my life." And this time I didn't mind schooldays, because he could call me any day...though it was not as often as I wanted to :(. But whenever he called, there would be this outrageously LOUD knock on our door because you see, we didn't have a phone. This was back in the day when cellphones haven't even been invented. The phone was at the neighbor's, and their housekeeper was always the one who had to get me for the call. And those loud knocks made my day.
He usually visited on the weekends, so I always anticipated the weekends with great excitement. Seeing him just brought joy and my life revolved around this relationship. I remember I often felt like I was neglected...that he didn't give me the attention I thought I deserved as "the girlfriend." I put that down to our difference in our age. He no longer was a teenager like me, so maybe that was just how non-teenagers were, I rationalized. When we talked, he would ask me about our future plans...what car I wanted, what business venture we could take. And I would always respond honestly and end up asking him if he was willing to wait until I graduated from Med School, which really could take about 10 years. If I remember right, he responded once with: "he was not getting any younger and would have to marry in the next five years or so." (But I am not so sure I remember things right anymore.) These things just kept nagging me at the back of my mind but I chose to ignore them. I wanted to believe that my life is a fairy tale with a happy ending, me - the princess and him - the prince. Besides, I was the one he took with him to his graduation party, introduced me to his mom and the rest of his family. That had to count for something, right? Then came the day he had to leave for his work assignment. The separation anxiety I was feeling was so bad that I couldn't sleep. And when he left, the emptiness set in. My childhood insecurities of being abandoned were trying very hard to surface and I tried to fight them back. But, it was very difficult because he rarely called now, didn't write and I saw him only once after that day. That was it. There was no "we're done" kind of thing, no closure...just emptiness and abandonment. I felt like a zombie then, trying to go back to the places we've been, hoping he would somehow be there, asking people if they've heard from him. But alas, nothing.
A friend tried to comfort me, make me see that the world was still colorful and that there was hope. I tried, but that was all he was going to be, a friend. It was sad, because the one guy who I thought loved me was gone, and the other guy who truly loved me and was there, I do not and could not love even if I tried.
I carried on with my life: no "puppy love" guy, no "great crush", no "the one who truly loved me" guy. Mr "puppy love" guy did call once, on my 18th birthday, wished me a Happy Birthday. I said thanks, we kinda got back together then...nothing changed, no letters, rare phone calls...I got fed up, grew tired of trying to convince myself that I was truly loved and "in love", and the next time he called, I just said I was done. And that was that.
Sometimes I looked back and wondered if I had made the right decision of calling it off. And when I do look back at those memories we shared, they can still bring a smile to my face or still make me wonder how things would be if things had turned out differently. There are some regrets, but nothing major that I cannot live with.
I guess as you grow older and start looking back, you realize the things you've really learned. And the way you look at those incidents in your life will measure how mature you have become. If you are able to smile and put all those memories in your brain as learning tools and useful memories, then Congratulations! you have grown up! However, if you still find yourself hurting because of all those moments and incidents, then you have to sit back and think...and start growing up. It is never too late.
P.S.
I did meet my "Soulmate" after a few years...my "One True Love." And this is a great story, and I cannot include it here in this blog because it is just not in this league. It is too wonderful to just be a part of some other story. It is proof that after your teenage years, there is life...and you never know what you will find around the next corner until you get there. So, take life one step at a time, and enjoy every moment of it.
